Number Forty
Heal.
(aka G's up, tell me how I'm lookin' babe)
Heal.
Number One
Be clear about what you ask for.
This wasn’t on my OG list when I wrote them out this time last year. In fact, I had a cheeky entry for number 40. I may tell you what it was by the end of this, or not. The fact is, what I wrote you can’t plan. And I thought with my manifesting ass, I would put this down and if it happened I could claim I was a master manifester — but It didn’t. And I’m not.
Well, it didn’t in the way I imagined it. This helps me come full circle on the first lesson I learned this birth year — be clear about what you ask for.
As I was saying, it didn’t happen. But something else happened that I was shocked to discover. In the wild stillness of the lockdown/pandemic, I was forced to see myself clearly. At the start of the pandemic/lockdown I had a lot of changes happen to me (both professional and personal). And for the first time, in a lot of ways, I was completely alone. And the only person I had to worry about, care about, check in with — was me.
And she was not good.
And I didn’t realize it.
I wasn’t in therapy anymore — and even when I was, It was problem-based (I went there with a problem and stayed long enough to solve it (kinda) and didn’t delve into anything else). It was that big of a problem.
Once I saw how unwell I was, I started the long hard work of figuring out why and what I could do to fix it (if anything) on my own.
This is a good time to pause and let you know, I’m a masterful actress. I can fake it until I make it like a mawfucker. Folks have had full lively conversations with me while I’ve been depressed, going through an insane breakup, or overwhelmed. I’m that good. So good, I can convince myself that I’m okay/over it/not bothered by it.
I’ve tried put up boundaries — and usually doesn’t go well. So instead, I act my ass off. But I’m tired, y’all.
I have been carrying around old hurt, old love, and wild things that were said to me by dumb boys in my past that still rattle around my head as if they were based on truths, still hurting me from time to time. Casually walking up to break my heart over and over. That’s insane.
None of that has a place in my life anymore. Every move I make, I pack this old hurt up, like my old CDs, and carry them into my new home.
And I’m done.
Last year on my 40th birthday, as I cried on my bedroom floor, it was some of these old hurtful things that I could not get out of my head — and I guess the age and the quiet made these things surface out of nowhere, and it took me out. In between my sobs, I asked the universe to let me heal from this, any old hurt, and all the old love I still had in my heart.
I don’t want to carry this with me anymore.
This is a young girls’ game. I’m a grown-ass woman now. And something a 25-year-old said to me and about me when I was 18 doesn’t belong to me anymore. (It never really did tbh)
If the multiverse is real, this belongs in Earth 2000.
What I didn’t realize when I made my list of things to do this birth year, was that doing something like this would force me to put myself first. I thought I was getting back to adventures, seeing the world, making amazing memories, and overriding the one bad day with 364 amazing ones. What I didn’t realize was I was putting Jalon first — for once.
Jalon wanted to do those things with those folks. Jalon wanted to fix her inability to finish books. Jalon wanted to see her favorite team play IRL. Jalon wanted to do [redacted] and [redacted]. Jalon let nothing get in her way of having a great 40th year.
And in doing so, it altered my DNA.
My cup never felt empty. My depression — dare I say — stayed at bay more than ever before. I was becoming confident — not just acting it. I was slowly not worrying as much about what this person might be saying…I honestly didn’t care anymore. I leaned into the quiet comfort of my home. I was saying “yes” more often than “no”. I took compliments and threw back 10 more. I kept it real — kind — but real nonetheless. And when I found myself in a place of beautiful stillness, I took mental photographs and committed them to memory.
I guess that sums it up this year: I kept it still and I kept it real.
As I sat in the Caribbean Sea at 8 am on my 41st birthday, looking up at the sun, I said out loud something I have never said in my adult life,.. “Today feels like my birthday!”
I finally had a great birthday.
Throughout the year I made note of what I have been carrying…and actively have worked to heal from it and release it. And as I sat in the Caribbean Sea with the sun dancing on my skin, on a dream vacation I said out loud, “I’m tired of being treated like I’m mediocre…” and that starts with me.
It took way longer than it should have, but I think I can cross this last thing off my list. Thank you for joining me on these adventures this year. I’m not going to do another list for 41…except for one thing.
Keep me at the top of the list. .
✌🏽