I Wasn’t Going To Run Today

this was written and published on medium on may 8, 2020

I wasn’t going to run today

I thought about it
But I haven’t ran in years
My shoes are old
We’re in the middle of a pandemic
I haven’t been getting enough sleep
Especially last night
It’s hot
I hate running

Every excuse is true — especially that last one
It’s not the run I like
It’s how I feel after the run that I love.
The runner’s high

I don’t run for speed
Or for a new PB
To burn off calories
And I very rarely check out my surroundings

I’m chasing that runners high
It’s all I’m thinking about
How good it will feel to be done
How much I love the way my legs feel like jelly

I also think about what I’m going to eat with my calorie deficit
A torta and huge horchata
A messy ass veggie burger
Most of the time I just want the coldest beer and a banana
This is what I think about normally on my runs
But not today

I wasn’t going to run today
But then I saw a friend and his family did
And a friend from high school did too
But when I saw that my cousin ran
I knew
I had to run today

I ran because I’m able
I ran because it’s really nice out
I ran because friends did it for the Black boys in their family
And needed to too

I ran for my cousin Ricardo, who unknowingly got me out the house
I ran for Wanda who has to spend Mother’s Day without her son
I ran for
Bothem
Atatiana
Jordan
Alton
Aiyanna
Mike
Trayvon
Sandra
Philando
Eric
Freddie
and Tamir

Strangers I never met
Who I carry with me
With everything I do

Every time my feet hit the pavement
I wondered what was Ahmaud’s favorite part
The fresh air hitting his lungs
Fellow runners saying hello as he passed by
Getting faster
The first drink of water after

Did he run with music
Podcasts
Was he training for a race or just getting in cardio
Was he almost home
Did he just start
Was this a long run day or a short run day
What was his last thought
Did he almost not run that day

I didn’t want to run today
But I had to
Needed to
I ran because I really do love it
I ran because he must have too

I ran for Ahmaud today.
And every time I run, it will be for him

#irunwithAhmuad

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